Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Action Sporting at Guido Beach

Editors Note: Making fun of spiky haired, spray tanned, muscle milk drinking kooks, is too easy, has been massively over done, and is generally below our level here at stale tails. That being said, the following is a true account of a weekend spent on the Jersey Shores, and attempts to show the cool side of action sports, alive and well in the Italian American community.

The pounding waves send spray over the seawall, lightly showering a small crowd. Two men in ripped, acid wash jeans, designer sunglasses, and tight fitting Ed Hardy t-shirts dance next to one another as the gathered spectators look on. Scantly clad young women cheer in accented tongues while others just look on in sheer wonderment, unsure of how to react to the spectacle taking place in front of them.

While such a festive scene is often reserved for spring break locations and Mardi Gras recreations, its just a typical Saturday morning on the New Jersey shore- a place where the budlight (lime please!) flows like water, and the locals know how to keep it cool in the hot summer sun.

Ever since some asshole with a new haircut and a Heineken fetish discovered Youtube its been open season on the “Guido” population. Sure the spray tans, spikey hair, and small t-shirts look funny to those unfamiliar with it, but so do XL jackets, slim fit pants, and dream catchers. The fact of the matter is these dudes and chicks do more for action sports than most could ever know, you could say without the kooks there would be no core, but that would be dumb. What wouldn’t be dumb would be sitting down with the Gaudiest Guido boarder the Jersey Shore has to offer (no not Shane Pospsisil), to find out why his people are so misunderstood, and what’s good with-on Muscle Beach (new slang, not typo).

In the back of a dimly lit Smoothie Bar and Tanning Salon I met Nicky “Vinny” Napalioni. A Construction worker by trade, Nicky considers himself an Entrepreneurial Businessman who is waiting for the right time to launch his clothing company, Rush Blaxt. Vinny’s first started riding at Hunter Mountain in NY, and was the fastest boarder in the Seaside Heights Highschool Class of 2003. Since then his “competitive Career” has slowed considerable, but as he will tell you he still loves to hit the slopes.

Wammybar: Hey Vinny, hows it bro?

Nicky N: Listen Chief, I’ll ask the questions around here


N: Nah, I’m fucking with you, everything is good bro. USA BABY!

W: Aw, cool man, cool. So how did you get into snowboarding?

N: Funny you should ask that, I read your little write up and it looks like you already said how the fuck I got into snowboarding, so don’t waste my time funny man.

W: Sorry dude, just thought you might want to add to what I said

N: YANKEES BABY! Fuck’in love it!

W: Right. What is the action sports scene like in on the Jersey Shore?

N: Well you know, we like to get after it, and I’m not just talking ‘bout skirts. There is a long history of action sports here in Jersey. It all started when Tony Hollister invented surfing here in the 1970’s, and we haven’t really looked back since. From there it’s gone to skateboarding, skimboarding, muscleboarding, wakeboarding, snowboard’in, shit if its got a board, we got in Jersey baby.

W: Right on. Why do you think NJ has the rep it does?

N: Haha, what the rep? for bein the best fuck’in place in the USA! Fuck’in right! If you wanna say something about our style or whatever, people are just trying to catch up, ya knw what I’m saying? I mean where do you think Armani X-Change started? Aeropsotal? Pac Sun? We brought this shit over with us from Sicily ya know, and its like, we can’t help us if god himself granted us with these good looks, and easily tan-able skin. It’ll take most people a few years to catch up.

W: yup…



chappychooses said...

sooooooooooo original!

steelyal said...

Never heard of a Guido before, is it like a Twinkie?

Anonymous said...

guido?!? here in canada we call them gottie style kids gino's. fuckin gino's and there hair gel.