Monday, December 29, 2008

Looking back on the year that will be 2009

The next couple hundred words predict the events that will shape snowboarding in 2009.


Pro shreds from around the globe gather in Mt. Snow Vermont for the Dew Tour. It rains for the first two days, the last day its -5. NBC asks why their tour stops on the East Coast, and the event is relocated to Big Bear for 2010. Shaun wins, Mikkel is the stand out performer. Eero Ettala gets sun burned in a tanning booth, and still wins x-games slopestyle. Chris Englesman wins a hot dog eating contest at SIA.


A new shred crew in Europe called the "Zombies" starts blowing up transworld with sick weekly videos. No one knows who any of the dudes are, but it seems like they all ride for Burton. Gigi films a part for their major film to be released next fall.


The snowboard world again finds itself in Vermont for the US Open. The weather is the same as it always is. Shaun qualifies first but doesn’t show up for the finals, Louie Vito wins, but no one can remember what he did.

Gooner competes in the slopestyle, does some backside 180’s and unclassifiable jibs, he doesn’t make the finals. Hannah wins women’s pipe, or maybe it was Kelly, does anyone know the difference? Trouble Gang plays the after show, everyone talks about how dope it was when Big Pun played.


Quik CEO Bob McKnight makes a bet with Volcom CEO Wooly and fires Quik’s marketing manager. They replace him with a homeless person. Travis Rice hits a big jump, Blauvelt does a line that makes everyone want to go out and buy a snowmobile, and Nicolas does something really cool, than makes us feel bad for wanting a snowmobile.


Quik’s recently fired marketing manager starts a turtle-neck company with Travis Parker and Nima Jalali. The turtle necks use discarded Audex technology and run on d batteries. All the kids have to have them for camp season, Nike buys the company. North Face starts filming for its NoBoard/Telemark Ski movie entitled “All Heels” in AK, Dicks Sporting Goods pays for the heli time. MFM is arrested for tax evasion. Joe Sexton blows out his knee again, and starts developing a new Jean’s line with built in knee brace, they are really tight (physically, not culturally) and hard to put on.


Burton’s marketing department releases a news letter. It is 800 pages long, and crashes all their reps email servers. Orders are delayed, and no one reads it (years later Lyndon State College in VT dedicates a class to study it). The Dingo is arrested and deported for soliciting under age girls and drug possession, Totino’s cancels Danny Kass’s contract. Snow park in NZ doubles the size of its park again, Jimmy’s meat pies has three signature features.


Ken Block jumps his car over the grand canyon, then announces his plans to start an extreme submarine racing circuit, Red Bull co signs it. Libtech unveils its latest technology “The Frownanana,” it features reversed reverse camber and straightoTRaction edges, it is labeled as the future of snowboarding and other companies scramble to catch up.


Bode Merril’s bindings spontaneously catch on fire while he is trying a triple back flip at high cascade, and burn holes in his pants. A new style is born, and Union makes a commemorative binding with flames on it. It never snows in Australia, and Dingo’s bad luck continues as he is beat up by a group of Bowgins live on at the NZ Open.


The new Grenade video “Stoned Times at Boned High” is released to rave reviews. Gooner’s part is hands down part of the year, only to be later discredited because it was actually Forest Bailey’s part, but no one could tell the difference.


Danny Davis fails a pre-olympic qualifier drug tests. NBC freaks out and cancel’s its support of the Dew Tour, and begins focusing on ice dancing as the Olympics money making event, Alexander Abt is their new poster boy. On the lighter side of things Shaun and Danny realize they both listen to the same trance music and become best friends. Danny quits the Frends crew and he and Shaun start a new gang called the home-ee (pronounced homies). Mason and KP quit snowboarding and start surfing, Scotty is too busy working on new tech for Flow to care, and, according to Keir’s facebook status he is way bummed about the end of the frends, but hopes he can be part of the home-ee. Rumor has it he (Keir) fell out of favor with the Frends once they were old enough to buy beer for themselves.


MFM is released from prison. Kelly Slater wins his 10th surfing world title, Quik files for bankruptcy before paying his bonus. Wooly wins the bet, Patagonia buys Quik. RDM, DCP, and JP release their new board line “yes we did.” People buy them, but the boards suck. Romain gets drunk. Harrison Grey is leading going into the finals of the grand prix at Copper slopestyle but gets bit by a wolf before his run, Lonnie Kauk wins. Gooner wins rider of the year.


Early season snow sends every film crew in the country to Quebec City, Stevie Bell gets arrested, Keegan frontboards a cement ledge with 4 kinks and 2 turns in it, Jeremy invents a new trick. Stale Tails wins best blog of 2009, rawkus records buys it. Daniel Franck qualifies for the US olympic snowboard team.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Carpentine Code

Deep within the inte7net many sec7ets lay, the key to gr59t fortune and baller st88tus pay. Cod3s and m4ssages if you kn6w where to 7ook, ga1n you access to the m0st hidd4n of book. Follow th2se clues to a tee, pin of five l8tters, card number thirteen add three. Decode this for a prize better than norm, from Burton Snowboards comes a proform. 4

  • 1st Letter- at :10 the one dude says “I hate …” The first letter of the thing he hates is the first piece of the code.
  • 2nd Letter- In the Industry Step-In: Rome SDS post you called me an idiot in the comments, and the first letter of you’re name starts with the 2nd letter of the code.
  • 3rd Letter- Is the first letter of the dudes name whose division rank was 38
  • 4th Letter- The best snowboarder in the world has this letter twice is his last name, but you only need to use it once. Need more hints? He once rode for Forum, but left cause they are beat. He has epic parts in The Boned Age and Familia. If you still need help you are a kewk, but you can ask in the comments section.
  • 5th Letter- The final letter is represented by this signal flag. The end of your journey begins here with barefootbruce. Look toward the comments for guidance

Monday, December 15, 2008

Progressing Progression: The Four Greatest Inventions of the Future of Snowboarding Prt. 3 of 4

Motor Board
Forget what I said about environmental whatever whatever. Having to remember to bring your snowboard AND snowmobile for a day in the back country is a boner chiller, so why not just get a snowboard that IS a snowmobile and save yourself the extra step. Plus gas is cheap, and if you’re an American and DON’T have a Motor board, you’re probably a communist and should turn yourself in for re-education.

Power Board'in! from stale tails on Vimeo.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Progressing Progression: The Four Greatest Inventions of the Future of Snowboarding Prt. 2 of 4


In an age of environmental consciousness, sometimes we need look into alternative energy sources. Everyone says “what about wind,” and I say cool, just don’t “blow it” next time you get “blown into” a jump, LOL ;)!! The best part is that, if there is no snow, you can just use your blades or something.



Thursday, December 11, 2008

Progressing Progression: The Four Greatest Inventions of the Future of Snowboarding Prt. 1 of 4

Gold Fish are the greatest snack of all time. The first few handfuls are like totally awesome, but after a while your hands get a little greasy, and you want to stop eating them. Diminishing marginal utility is no joke and expert boarderz, like myself, need to be careful that snowboarding doesn’t get gold fished, so over the next four days, I will let you in on the Four Greatest Inventions of the Future of Snowboarding, so you can keep you game fresh and your scene tight from day one to one million.

The Swiveler.
At a slight 15.8 ounces (for you non-drug dealers that’s just under a pound), the Swiveler could just be the heaviest thing to happen to your snowboarding since beanies with headphones in them. But don’t take my word for it, just listen to what pro boarder Dave Rosen has to say…

"Hi, my name is Dave Rosen and I have been riding your swivler for 1 year its great. I have been snowboarding for the past 10 years and currently ride Mt. Bachelor . Last season when I started to ride the Swivler, I didnt think of using it for the lift line but, just a way to do more tricks. I would come up to a jump in the park with one foot straped in and the other unstraped, once i got into the air i would turn my board in a 360 while my body stays still and doesn't move. Last year I tried it in a competition but didn't land it, however I did get mad props for trying such a trick, you also get lots of looks from other people cause they have never seen such a thing before. This is a very difficult trick and can cause serious injury unless you have alot of experience this should not be attempted but if you do, be careful it's a rush. By the way I vote for a pink one."

Dave Rosen

Pro Snowboarder

Bend, Oregon

Monday, December 8, 2008


In 1981 I bought a DeLorean. It was sick, it had gullwing doors, and I knew it would get me tons of chicks...

…While even though my DeLorean was like, really awesome and made of solid gold, things didn’t really work out how I wanted them to. It didn’t actually get me tons of chicks, my time travel kit never worked right, and the hood would pop open if I went over 50. The moral of the story is that sometimes new companies have some growing pains, and first runs are sometimes kind of bunk.

So what does this have to do with snowboarding? Well, with so many new companies (or new to certain aspects of snowboarding anyway) breaking into the “market,” I just wanted to send out my assurance, that well things don’t always work perfect right away, give it time and all the problems will work themselves out. Right?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Industry Step-In: ROME SDS

Having a blog is easy, keeping it updated is hard. Being a Bikini Inspector is not the most rewarding job, but occasionally I get to travel, and sometimes those travels take me to shred mecca’s like Waterbury, Vermont. This past weekend (Thanksgiving), I happened to be in Waterbury to judge the Waterbury Junior College Bikini Bake-Off, and while there I thought I would stop into ROME SDS Headquarters and see whats up.

Owner and founder Donald Rome is apparently a huge stail tale’s fan, so he was more than happy to sit down, and answer a few hard hitting questions. As much of an enigma as a man, taking the time to read this interview with Don could be the most effective use of you time since you book-marked

R. Wammybar: Hey Don, hows it bro?
Donald Rome: Fine.

Uh, cool. Ill just get right into this I guess, when and why did you start ROME SDS?
May 6th, 2001 we officially became a snowboarding company. Basically I had just sold my hovercraft business on Cape Cod (MA) and had some money I wanted to start a snowboard company with. A few friends of mine had just left Burton Snowboards, and we pretty much just decided to drop in.

Burton guys ay? What did they do their?
Well, as you might remember, 2001 was the beginning of the end of the step-in binding era. My friends had been the project managers for the Burton SI system, and when the big wigs up in Burlington decided to cut the program, they jumped ship. Both share an intense passion for boardsports, and their passion ran especially deep for step-in bindings. Originally Rome was going to do only Step-In bindings, we thought we could dominate the market, but after a few botched prototypes and some market research, we just sold all our tech to FLOW and focused on snowboards.

Woah baby, that’s cool. I would still wear step-ins today if I could find them
Yeah, same.

I was joking…
Me too (wink*)

While on the topic of Burton, tell me a little bit about your “This is Snowboarding” promotion
Well, because of snowboarding a lot of things have changed in all of our lives. It means something different to everyone and we wanted to give people the chance to speak out, and let us know what it (snowboarding) means to them.

Cool idea, sounds familiar… Tell me about your powder sucks ad, that was pretty dope
Yeah thanks. Really with that one we just didn’t have a lot of money to put into creative, and that step-child board is pretty neat, so we just stole the idea. No big deal though, right?

Word. Well cool man, thanks for taking the time to do this
No problem bro, keep up the good work. is for sure my second favorite site, after the ROME one of course! PEACE!