Monday, December 29, 2008

Looking back on the year that will be 2009


The next couple hundred words predict the events that will shape snowboarding in 2009.


January-

Pro shreds from around the globe gather in Mt. Snow Vermont for the Dew Tour. It rains for the first two days, the last day its -5. NBC asks why their tour stops on the East Coast, and the event is relocated to Big Bear for 2010. Shaun wins, Mikkel is the stand out performer. Eero Ettala gets sun burned in a tanning booth, and still wins x-games slopestyle. Chris Englesman wins a hot dog eating contest at SIA.


February-

A new shred crew in Europe called the "Zombies" starts blowing up transworld with sick weekly videos. No one knows who any of the dudes are, but it seems like they all ride for Burton. Gigi films a part for their major film to be released next fall.


March-

The snowboard world again finds itself in Vermont for the US Open. The weather is the same as it always is. Shaun qualifies first but doesn’t show up for the finals, Louie Vito wins, but no one can remember what he did.

Gooner competes in the slopestyle, does some backside 180’s and unclassifiable jibs, he doesn’t make the finals. Hannah wins women’s pipe, or maybe it was Kelly, does anyone know the difference? Trouble Gang plays the after show, everyone talks about how dope it was when Big Pun played.


April-

Quik CEO Bob McKnight makes a bet with Volcom CEO Wooly and fires Quik’s marketing manager. They replace him with a homeless person. Travis Rice hits a big jump, Blauvelt does a line that makes everyone want to go out and buy a snowmobile, and Nicolas does something really cool, than makes us feel bad for wanting a snowmobile.



May-

Quik’s recently fired marketing manager starts a turtle-neck company with Travis Parker and Nima Jalali. The turtle necks use discarded Audex technology and run on d batteries. All the kids have to have them for camp season, Nike buys the company. North Face starts filming for its NoBoard/Telemark Ski movie entitled “All Heels” in AK, Dicks Sporting Goods pays for the heli time. MFM is arrested for tax evasion. Joe Sexton blows out his knee again, and starts developing a new Jean’s line with built in knee brace, they are really tight (physically, not culturally) and hard to put on.


June-

Burton’s marketing department releases a news letter. It is 800 pages long, and crashes all their reps email servers. Orders are delayed, and no one reads it (years later Lyndon State College in VT dedicates a class to study it). The Dingo is arrested and deported for soliciting under age girls and drug possession, Totino’s cancels Danny Kass’s contract. Snow park in NZ doubles the size of its park again, Jimmy’s meat pies has three signature features.



July-

Ken Block jumps his car over the grand canyon, then announces his plans to start an extreme submarine racing circuit, Red Bull co signs it. Libtech unveils its latest technology “The Frownanana,” it features reversed reverse camber and straightoTRaction edges, it is labeled as the future of snowboarding and other companies scramble to catch up.


August-

Bode Merril’s bindings spontaneously catch on fire while he is trying a triple back flip at high cascade, and burn holes in his pants. A new style is born, and Union makes a commemorative binding with flames on it. It never snows in Australia, and Dingo’s bad luck continues as he is beat up by a group of Bowgins live on go211.com at the NZ Open.


September-

The new Grenade video “Stoned Times at Boned High” is released to rave reviews. Gooner’s part is hands down part of the year, only to be later discredited because it was actually Forest Bailey’s part, but no one could tell the difference.


October-

Danny Davis fails a pre-olympic qualifier drug tests. NBC freaks out and cancel’s its support of the Dew Tour, and begins focusing on ice dancing as the Olympics money making event, Alexander Abt is their new poster boy. On the lighter side of things Shaun and Danny realize they both listen to the same trance music and become best friends. Danny quits the Frends crew and he and Shaun start a new gang called the home-ee (pronounced homies). Mason and KP quit snowboarding and start surfing, Scotty is too busy working on new tech for Flow to care, and, according to Keir’s facebook status he is way bummed about the end of the frends, but hopes he can be part of the home-ee. Rumor has it he (Keir) fell out of favor with the Frends once they were old enough to buy beer for themselves.


November-

MFM is released from prison. Kelly Slater wins his 10th surfing world title, Quik files for bankruptcy before paying his bonus. Wooly wins the bet, Patagonia buys Quik. RDM, DCP, and JP release their new board line “yes we did.” People buy them, but the boards suck. Romain gets drunk. Harrison Grey is leading going into the finals of the grand prix at Copper slopestyle but gets bit by a wolf before his run, Lonnie Kauk wins. Gooner wins rider of the year.


December-

Early season snow sends every film crew in the country to Quebec City, Stevie Bell gets arrested, Keegan frontboards a cement ledge with 4 kinks and 2 turns in it, Jeremy invents a new trick. Stale Tails wins best blog of 2009, rawkus records buys it. Daniel Franck qualifies for the US olympic snowboard team.

6 comments:

Huckleberry Hart said...

You are damn right about winning best blog. This piece is solid gold.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for wasting my time. That shit sucks azz.

Anonymous said...

keir? is that you?

Anonymous said...

Burton employees are gay. So are Burton interns. I've never met one cool person from 80 Industrial. A bunch of fags work there.

Jenna said...

I just crawled into the time machine of what should have been, and realized most of this list was sadly achieved...Except now Goon laps bear with the mental power of a 12 year old with no hopes to achieve a GED.

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